SO YOU THINK YOU "DESERVE"

SOMETHING?!

 

In these days of social media we hear a lot of people asserting that they
deserve various things- better salary, an opportunity, recognition, etc.
Many people march and protest demanding something that they think they
deserve.  But do they?  What do you deserve?  It seems like a simple and an
innocent question.  It is not.  The way the word deserve is thrown around
today, and the way that question to presented today, makes it semantically
loaded and not in a good way.  Look up "deserve" in the dictionary and you
will discover that the word means:

"to earn by service; to be worthy of (something due, either good or evil);

to merit; to be entitled to;"  "worthy of reward, award or praise."

"a reward for what you do, to merit what you received."

"to have earned as a right by one's actions." 

Examples: "the referee deserves a pat on the back for his bravery."
"People who park like that deserve to be towed away."  The laborer deserves
his wages; a work of value deserves praise.

 

Yet while the word deserve refers to earning and meriting something, today
it seems to be mostly used in the sense of unconditional entitlement.  When
used properly, it is a perfectly good word; when used improperly it is a
cognitive distortion.  It becomes a should.  "I deserve..." becomes a demand
for a reward without doing anything to earn or merit the reward.  Yet when
used this way, it becomes an injustice whine demanding that the world give
whatever the person wants.

 

Advertisers use deserve to sell things.  "You deserve a break today."  "You
deserve Miller's Light Beer."  "You deserve to drive the best."  These ads
imply that you have the right to demand what you deserve and spend to get
what you deserve.  When politicians use the word deserve they seek to raise
your dissatisfaction.  They imply, "Elect me and I will give you the things
that you deserve!"  "You deserve free health care."  "You deserve a four-day
work-week."  "You deserve more weeks of vacation."

 

In spite of all this misuse, let's ask the central question that immediately
impacts our lives: What do you actually deserve?  The answer is nothing,
unless you do something!  If deserve refers to earning and meriting, then to
deserve, you have to earn it.  You have done something that merits and
warrants that you get it.  The US constitute and Bill of Rights speaks about
"life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."  The government was instituted
to protect these rights.  But they are not automatic.  You still have to
earn them!  For life, you have to take care of yourself and not do yourself
harm.  For liberty you get to exercise your freedoms and not forfeit them by
violating the law and losing your liberty.  For pursuit of happiness, you
have is learn how to be happy, adjust your attitude, and develop your
skills.  Do you deserve to be happy?  No, not automatically.  You deserve it
if you do what's required to attain it.

Do you deserve respect?  Not necessarily.  If you say to someone, "I deserve
your respect..." you are making a request, perhaps a demand.  Question: Have
you demonstrated respect to that person?  If not, then it does not sound
like you have earned that person's respect.  Saying you deserve respect
sounds like a should.  Does the relationship-the way each are relating-
establish that expectation?  Or is it an unrealistic expectation?

 

Now in an entitlement society, many are mis-using this word.  They think
they deserve all kinds of things because they want them.  It is as if they
think, "If I want something, I should have, therefore I deserve, and
therefore I can expect to get it."  They then make demands on life, on the
world, on government, on employers, on other people.  "My wants as
expectations are your responsibilities."  Of course, what that philosophy
generates is conflict, disagreement and disappointment.

 

The truth is neither you nor I deserve anything unless we do something that
earns or merits the reward that we want.  The next time someone says, "I
deserve X," ask, "And what have you done to deserve X?"  "How have you
earned or merited X?" 

 

An extreme example of this non-sense is currently going on by those in the
BLM movement.  They have decided that they deserve reparations for the
injustice done to their ancestors five generations back.  They themselves
were not mistreated.  No one did injustice to them.  In fact they live in a
free society where they could achieve "the American dream," if they put
their mind, heart and body to it.  Injustice was done perhaps five or ten
generations ago.  Someone (usually their tribal chiefs) sold their ancestors
into slavery to those who back in the 16th, 17th and 18th centuries were
engaged in slave trade.  But they now think that they deserve reparations.
Question: What have you done that earns that recommence?  The truth
is-nothing.  They don't deserve reparations at all.

 

Deserve is a perfectly good word when used about earning or meriting a
reward.  But used as a should, an expectation, a demand simply because you
want it-the word becomes a sneaky cognitive distortion.  It becomes a form
of pseudo-reasoning, a way to throw a tantrum and try to get what you
actually do not deserve.   It becomes a "guilt trip" for those who don't
know what the word actually means.

 

 

 

 

 




 

 

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

ISNS Executive Director

P.O. Box 8