THE TRICKIEST
COACHING CONVERSATION
When you ask a client what he
wants and he says, “Confidence,” you are in the presence of a situation that
could be the trickiest coaching conversation of all. So, a
warning—Beware! Your next words will be critical if you are to avoid getting
trapped in a dead-end exchange that will go nowhere. You’ve probably fallen
into this trap. Most of us have. You may get trapped in it during your next
coaching conversation. Many who read this article will. The distinctions that
follow are subtle and therefore require careful reading and implementation. So,
if you’re ready, here we go.
It all begins with what sounds
like a perfectly reasonable desired outcome. “I want to have more confidence.”
That’s what they say. Yet is that always helpful? Think about it. It all
depends, doesn’t it? Further the request for more confidence can mean so many
things to different clients. So you have to ask what your client is really
asking for. So inquire before you jump into coaching to it. Ask the
clarity check question. Don’t assume that you know what the person means. So
what are the range of things that confidence could mean to different
clients?
1) “Confidence” as assurance
of being able to do something. The
person wants to be sure that she can actually do something. In
other words, “confidence” to her is equal to “being sure.” The person is
saying, “I will only feel confident when I have a guarantee that I will succeed
in what I want to do. If I don’t feel sure, if I feel any slight twinges of
doubt or frustration, then I’m not ‘confident.’” Now the more risk-averse a
person is, then the more that person will be questioning his ability, doubting
his skills, and not sure. Then, with being unsure, the person feels the lack of
confidence. The focus for this person is on the feeling not being sure rather
than on developing the competence for being able to do the
skill.
Confidence literally refers to your faith (fideo) in or
with (con) yourself. It speaks about your faith that you can do
something. That’s why confidence requires evidence that you have
done it and that means it is a thing of history— you have in the past
demonstrated several or many times that you can do something. Now you can trust
yourself. That evidence convinces you that you can do it, that you are
competent in that skill. So confidence is based on competence. No
competence—no confidence. Confidence without competence is a false and
delusional trust in yourself. We call people who are confident when they can’t
demonstrate competence, fools.
Given that, do you really want
to help someone who wants to feel confidence to feel it if they are
incompetent? Isn’t that undermining their skill development? If they feel
confident, then why would they devote the energy and effort to learning or
practicing?
2) “Confidence” as
comfortable in learning and doing.
Others will use the word “confidence” to essentially mean “comfort.” In other
words, “confidence” is equal to a feeling, to feeling comfort, at ease,
no stress, no strain, no discomfort, etc. For this person, any discomfort
equates with the lack of confidence. She can therefore loss “confidence” very
quickly whenever there are any feelings of discomfort. This will be true for
almost everything new, different, and challenging. Yet because in taking on new
things, we are inevitably required to get out of our “comfort zone,” all new
learning and practicing will be uncomfortable, even unpleasant, disturbing,
etc. If this automatically equates to not having confidence, then all new
learnings and challenges equates with the lack of confidence.
3) “Confidence” as
self-efficacy for future unknown challenges. Yet another uses the word “confidence” as a synonym
for “trust in myself to be able to handle some future challenge.” This person
is “confident” if he knows that he can trust himself to figure something out,
handle any challenge that arise, and use his wits and relationship skills to
create solutions. This is what the person means by the word
“confidence.”
Actually, he is using
“confidence” for a different concept, for self-efficacy, which refers to a
future event. Most people develop this after numerous experiences of becoming
competent in something. They then learn something about their learning
experiences — “It’s just a matter of learning, practice, and eventually I will
get it.” The more times they walk the pathway from incompetence to competence,
the more likely they can jump a logical level and conclude, “I have done this
many times; this is just another instance of moving from incompetence to
competence. I know I will eventually get it.”
4) “Confidence” as a sense
of self-value and worth. Others
confuse self-esteem with self-confidence, so when they ask for confidence, they
want to have a strong sense of personal value in some context. Yet because they
frame their personal value and worth as conditional, then whenever they engage
in something new, something thewy are not all that competent and skilled at,
they then question their self-esteem and feel that their sense of self is
fragile or shaking in a given role or activity. Now they want “confidence.”
They want self-assurance that they are worthwhile.
The bottom line is that you
just never know how a person is using a word. This is especially true
when they say that “I want to more confidence.” So check it out. Find
out what they are really talking about— assurance, comfort, trust in self,
esteem of self. You’ll be glad you did; and they will be even more glad.
L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.
Neuro-Semantics Executive
Director
Neuro-Semantics
International
P.O. Box 8
Clifton, CO. 81520
USA
1 970-523-7877
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