THE COACH’S ULTIMATE QUESTION:
WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THIS?
When you coach, not only do you
coach from your state to your client’s state, you coach from your
thinking patterns to your client’s thinking patterns. That raises a really
important question for you as the coach: How is my client thinking? What kind
of thinking is my client using as he presents his concern or goal or solution,
etc.?
It’s the thinking
question that then allows you to quickly get to “the heart of the matter.”
That’s because “as your client thinks, so is your client.” If your client is
thinking using cognitive distortions—you can count on the fact that there
will be distortions in her thinking, feelings, speaking, behaving, and
relating. If your client is thinking using cognitive biases—guess what?
Yes, biased ideas, emotions, and behaviors!
Then there are the
meta-programs as thinking and perceiving patterns. Now you have another
70 distinctions for how your client could possibly be thinking. Is my
client thinking/ perceiving optimistically or pessimistically? Is my client
matching or mismatching? Is my client perceiving in terms of options or
procedures? Which meta-program distinction stands out for you? In ACMC
training, we cover some 15 of the most basic meta-programs. That’s a great
place to begin. Get familiar with those so that you can recognize them in real
time.
Once you have achieved that
level of skill, begin adding other meta-program distinctions beginning with
those that tend to most characterize the clients you work with. Add one or two
each week. In a year, you will have covered all of them and that will give you
an incredible edge in your coaching.
In the PCMC training in Bali in
December 2024, I recognized a client as demonstrating internalized thinking
in contradistinction to externalized thinking (#27). I asked, “When
your coach asks you a question, you are going inside and thinking about it.”
She smiled in a self-knowing way. “Your eyes go to the right, then to the left,
so I’m guessing you are asking yourself questions and maybe answering them, or
maybe asking yourself the very opposite question.” It turned out she was asking
opposite questions on each side so that she was inside of the conflict between
the two parts. In other words, she was arguing with herself! “Is this right
or wrong?” “What if I make a mistake?” “I’m I really good at this?” “Maybe I
should quit?”
Some people think out-loud.
They often do not (or never) think before they speak. They need to
take time to reflect and then speak. They need to slow themselves down
and consider consequences, calibrate to those around them, run their response
through some criteria like appropriateness, consideration, compassion,
etc.
Other people think inside
their head and do lots and lots of self-talk before they ever utter a word.
They reflect ... and then reflect some more ... then reflect about their
reflections ... and this can continue on and on and on. Meanwhile you are on
the outside waiting, waiting, waiting. They are careful about what they say.
Often they are fearful of “saying the wrong thing.” Sometimes they are living
an old program, “Kids ought to be seen, and not heard!” Sometimes they
are living in a trauma that they have not resolved. They spoke up, said
something ugly or hurtful and suffered severe consequences and inside they made
a decision, “Never again!”
“Just say whatever comes to
mind ... just talk out-loud; there are no wrong answers.” That’s what I said to
the client who was struggling to answer the coach. “It’s okay because whatever
you are thinking and however you are thinking is just thoughts. And if
those thoughts are not serving you well, not enhancing your life—it’s time to
change them. How does that sound?”
The bottom line is that when
you coach—keep asking yourself, “What kind of thinking is this?” “Which
meta-program distinction is operating right now?” “Could this be a cognitive
distortion?” Then, test it. “Are you thinking in X-way?” That meta-question
helps the client to become aware in a new and creative way and opens up
for transformational change.
This is listening for
structure, that is the structuring and processing, rather than the
content information. And with that you are ready to ask some powerful
frame-by-implication questions or even torpedo questions. That’s because what
you are asking goes straight to the frames (of meaning) that’s governing the
person’s experiences.
L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.
Executive Director, ISNS