THE COACH’S ULTIMATE QUESTION:

WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THIS?

 

When you coach, not only do you coach from your state to your client’s state, you coach from your thinking patterns to your client’s thinking patterns.  That raises a really important question for you as the coach: How is my client thinking?  What kind of thinking is my client using as he presents his concern or goal or solution, etc.?

 

It’s the thinking question that then allows you to quickly get to “the heart of the matter.”  That’s because “as your client thinks, so is your client.”  If your client is thinking using cognitive distortions—you can count on the fact that there will be distortions in her thinking, feelings, speaking, behaving, and relating.  If your client is thinking using cognitive biases—guess what?  Yes, biased ideas, emotions, and behaviors! 

 

Then there are the meta-programs as thinking and perceiving patterns.  Now you have another 70 distinctions for how your client could possibly be thinking.  Is my client thinking/ perceiving optimistically or pessimistically?  Is my client matching or mismatching?  Is my client perceiving in terms of options or procedures?  Which meta-program distinction stands out for you?  In ACMC training, we cover some 15 of the most basic meta-programs.  That’s a great place to begin.  Get familiar with those so that you can recognize them in real time.

 

Once you have achieved that level of skill, begin adding other meta-program distinctions beginning with those that tend to most characterize the clients you work with.   Add one or two each week.  In a year, you will have covered all of them and that will give you an incredible edge in your coaching.

 

In the PCMC training in Bali in December 2024, I recognized a client as demonstrating internalized thinking in contradistinction to externalized thinking (#27).  I asked, “When your coach asks you a question, you are going inside and thinking about it.”  She smiled in a self-knowing way.  “Your eyes go to the right, then to the left, so I’m guessing you are asking yourself questions and maybe answering them, or maybe asking yourself the very opposite question.”  It turned out she was asking opposite questions on each side so that she was inside of the conflict between the two parts.  In other words, she was arguing with herself!   “Is this right or wrong?”  “What if I make a mistake?”  “I’m I really good at this?”  “Maybe I should quit?”

 

Some people think out-loud.  They often do not (or never) think before they speak.  They need to take time to reflect and then speak.  They need to slow themselves down and consider consequences, calibrate to those around them, run their response through some criteria like appropriateness, consideration, compassion, etc.

Other people think inside their head and do lots and lots of self-talk before they ever utter a word.  They reflect ... and then reflect some more ...  then reflect about their reflections ... and this can continue on and on and on.  Meanwhile you are on the outside waiting, waiting, waiting.  They are careful about what they say.  Often they are fearful of “saying the wrong thing.”  Sometimes they are living an old program, “Kids ought to be seen, and not heard!”  Sometimes they are living in a trauma that they have not resolved.  They spoke up, said something ugly or hurtful and suffered severe consequences and inside they made a decision, “Never again!” 

 

“Just say whatever comes to mind ... just talk out-loud; there are no wrong answers.”  That’s what I said to the client who was struggling to answer the coach.  “It’s okay because whatever you are thinking and however you are thinking is just thoughts.  And if those thoughts are not serving you well, not enhancing your life—it’s time to change them.  How does that sound?”

 

The bottom line is that when you coach—keep asking yourself, “What kind of thinking is this?”  “Which meta-program distinction is operating right now?”  “Could this be a cognitive distortion?”  Then, test it.  “Are you thinking in X-way?”  That meta-question helps the client to become aware in a new and creative way and opens up for transformational change.

 

This is listening for structure, that is the structuring and processing, rather than the content information.  And with that you are ready to ask some powerful frame-by-implication questions or even torpedo questions.  That’s because what you are asking goes straight to the frames (of meaning) that’s governing the person’s experiences.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

Executive Director, ISNS

 THE ART OF DISCIPLINE

There is an art to becoming a disciplined person and achieving your
highest
goals and visions.  Many have learned this art and have walked the
pathway
to becoming excellent in the things they do and achieve.  In this, it is
no
mystery or rocket science.



1) Set a Goal for the Knowing-and-Doing Expertise that you want.  What
is
the discipline that you want to learn?  Early in life I wanted to learn
how
to write.  At first it felt overwhelming and frightful and experiences
of
'writer's block' threatened to undermine my goal.  But I stayed with it
through the uncertainty and doubts.



2) Focus Your Attention on your Desired Discipline.  What kept me going
was
my focus on my ultimate objective.  That's why a strong compelling why
as in
"Why is it important?" informs and activates your focus and attention. 
How
strong is your focus?  How well are you able to deal with the things
that
disrupt your focus?  Are you monitoring your discipline as you are
learning
it?   What is the quality of your focus?  Do you need to use the
Neuro-Semantic "genius" or "flow" pattern to create your own optimal
state
of focus?



3) Make a Robust Decision for your Discipline.  If you have not made the
decision yet, make sure that you make a robust decision that you will
become
a discipline of that area that you want to become excellent in.  Once I
learned about modeling, I made a decision to model resilience.  I didn't
know it would take me four years to do that.  I thought maybe a month or
two.  It was my decision, and a decision that I made public, that kept
me
going.  I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it and I wanted to
demonstrate to others that I could complete the project.



4) Act today in a Proactive Way that initiates the Momentum.  If you
never
take the initiative to start, you will never get started.  So get
started
today.  Seize the day!  Use the 80/20 principle to get the most value
out of
what you do.  Given that 20% of what you do will generate 80% of the
value,
identify that 20% and then zoom in on it making it your commitment and
lifestyle.  Nearly everybody knows that the hardest part of any change
or
resolution is getting started.  We also know that the more we wait and
prepare, the more we will wait and prepare and we may never get started.
  So
get started!  Do it today.  Do it because ...

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started.  The secret of getting
started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small,
manageable
tasks, and then starting on the first one."  Mark Twain



Once you have started, then feed the momentum with effort and nurture
the
effort with sustainability, make it your life-style.  Momentum is built
by
one small step, one small push, one small action after another.  Count
every
small action.  Say to yourself, "It counts."   No matter how small and
insignificant, "It counts!  I have started.  The journey has begun."



5) Resist all Excuses.  Excuses are seductive and tempting and if you
don't
know the common excuses that will seduce you away from your discipline,
you
won't be able to mount a resistance.  What distracts you from your
discipline?  What excuses do you commonly use?  What tricks you to say,
"Well just this one time."?  Whatever it is, decide that you will not
live a
life that honors excuses more than your goals.  Decide to blow out all
excuses so that you are left excuse-less so that you just have to go
after
your desired outcomes and be true to yourself.



6) Talk up and Positively Frame Your Discipline.  What can you say to
yourself and to others about choosing to live a disciplined life?

           Discipline in my choice for how to focus and act that
achieves
the greatest success.

           Discipline is my being true to my values, choices, and
potentials.

           Discipline is the habit which allows me to manage my focus
on
what's truly important.

           Discipline is my strategic means for overcoming obstacles in
my
way.

           Discipline indicates the degree of control I can now
exercise in
my life.

           Discipline reveals my integrity; that I do what I say I will
do.



7) Update your Modal Operators.  In life experience, we get into certain
modes of operating and these operational modes show up in how we talk.
Linguistically these are called "modal operators."  The verbs describing
possibility are "can, able, possible."  The words for choice are
"choose,
decide, select, pick."  Those for desire are "want, wish, hope, yearn."
Those for necessity are "need, ought, should, must, have to."

           Use necessity words and you will feel helpless, powerless,
and
like a victim.  "I have to read."  "I should write a report."  "I must
go to
the gym."

           Use possibility words and you will feel hopeful and
optimistic.
"I can go to the gym."  "I am able to write the report."  "It's possible
for
me to eat healthy foods."

           Use desire words and you will feel capable and empowered. 
"I
want to work out."  "I yearn to run after work."

           Use choice words and you will feel hopeful and empowered. 
"I
choose to read for an hour each day."  "I have decide to finish cleaning
the
garage."



Then there is the Maslow must.  Do you know that one?  "A muscian must
make
music; a poet must write; what a person can do, he must do."  That's a
self-actualization must, it is a being-value must.  It is not the must
of
pressure, it is the must of potentiality.  Today know that one, "I must
write, I would be less of who I can be and will be if I don't write."
Finally, there is this from the Dalai Lama:

"A disciplined mind leads to happiness, and an undisciplined mind leads
to
suffering."



Video Review: Jordan Peterson's interview with Anthony Robbins

There's lots of interesting and insightful things in this interview and
there are some sad things. On the sad side is the fact that Tony
mentions
some sources (books, people), but in spite of using numerous NLP terms
and
processes never mentions NLP once.  On an interview like this, he could
help
send thousands of people to NLP, but he does not.  That's what a
self-centered guru does.



Sad also is the fact that Tony speaks about matching and pacing and he
fails
to do so throughout the nearly 2 hours!   He does not match or pace
Peterson's posture or voice or tempo.  And he interrupts a lot : and
Peterson's only defense is to pace Tony, at least to some extent!



For that, Tony needs to go back and take NLP 101 again!  See for
yourself:

 DISCIPLINE IS DISCIPLE-ING

 

If the word discipline arose from the Latin word for pupil, then no wonder
it is so closely related to another word, a word that is much more positive-
disciple.   That's how I ended the last article.  And because both words-
discipline/ disciple- are so intimately connected, when you are disciplined,
you are a disciple.  The only question is, "You are a disciple to what or to
whom?"  That brings me to Jim Collins' quotation in Good to Great.

"There is no effectiveness without discipline, and there is no discipline
without character."

 

Ah, character!  It was the actor Michael J. Fox who said, "Discipline is
just doing the same thing the right way whether anyone's watching or not."
That's another description of character.  And that implies something
critical about discipline-it arises from, and is dependent upon, being
self-referent rather than other-referent.  If you are always referring to
others  and you are always carrying about what others think, say, and do,
then you are living your life to please them, to be on their good side, to
not upset them, etc.  Do that and you probably will not even know what you
want, what you believe in, what you value.

 

Character refers to deeply knowing and living from your own authority-to be
the author of your own life.  This is the inner discipline that is required
in order to achieve outer discipline.  In fact, without this piece, all of
your effort for outer discipline will indeed feel hard and forced.  It is
when you live from out of your inner beliefs and values, live from the
inside-out, that you can begin to develop the kind of discipline that will
carry you through in achieving your goals.

 

Perhaps this is what Aristotle meant when he said, "Through self-discipline
comes freedom" - namely the freedom to truly be yourself.  And it was the
famous Anonymous who wrote, "Your level of success is determined by your
level of discipline and perseverance."  The bottom line: discipline comes
from your inside world.  It comes from you being true to you-to your
capacities, talents, and potentials.  Now you have the character to persist,
to commit, and to be resilient.

 

So, name your discipline.  What discipline (course of study) do you want to
give yourself to?  What discipline (course of action) would you like to
become a disciple?  I am a disciple of my own well-being which means health,
energy, vitality, and fitness.  I have been for a long time.  Accordingly, I
have read and studied in that area, and that led to writing books in that
area (Games Fit and Slim People Play), as well as training manuals (The
Neuro-Semantics of Health, Unleashing Vitality).  It led me to get into
running in my mid-20s as well as other sports: cross-country skiing,
mountain climbing, racquetball, etc.  Today I go to the gym five days a week
and Geraldine and I hike mountain trails.

Going to the gym for me is at the same time a disciplined way of life (a
lifestyle) and a commitment to my understandings, beliefs, values, and
decisions.  Given that, I never think of it as hard or unpleasant.  It's
actually the opposite-I look forward to it, I revel when I feel a good
healthy exhaustion at the end, I anticipate learning new techniques, I
delight in being able to reach some new goals that I set for myself.  So
yes, I have become a disciple of the gym.

 

The bottom line is that discipline requires character and your character
enables you to become a disciplined person, a disciple.  When your course of
study (knowledge) becomes a course of action (implementation), then you have
closed the knowing-doing gap.  You have used a basic mind-to-muscle process
so that what you know, you do.  This explains why for any disciplined
person, there's no idea of pain or punishment in it at all.  Instead it is
integrity and integration.  It is the freedom of being your best self.

 

I would not be my best self if I didn't read 2 to 3 hours every day (well,
except when I'm engaged in doing a training).  Reading extensively activates
my mind and my creativity so that I can write, and write a lot.  When people
ask how I can write 2 or 3 articles every week, plus manuals and books, I
usually look at them as if they have asked a really weird question.  For me
it's like asking "How can you breathe in and out all day; isn't that tiring
on your heart and lungs?"  I write first of all so that I can learn, and
then secondly, to share ideas and insights with others.  As some of you have
noticed, I never run out of things to write!  I find the 'discipline' of
reading and writing exciting.  How could it not be?  I'm a disciple to
reading and writing.  And when you are a disciple, you have a new degree of
freedom as you are liberated from 'work.'  Now everything is play and fun.
Now you will never again "work" a day in your life again.   So, what are you
a disciple of?

 

 

 

 

For More, see-

              Inside-Out (2022).  It is a PDF book on the Shop.


 

Also, the 2024 Neurons book is now available:

Neurons Volumes <https://www.neurosemantics.com/neurons-meta-reflections/>